LOLtrino 2!

msg 4 xin

lo mommy

dis ur hubband look, defntly NOT cat nootrino coz u silly monkeys no cats cant type!

been thinkn bout us, we spend too much time not feeding nootrino. We shood feed nootrino more, and not poke nootrino when sleepin! That very bad way to treet mastercat, silly slaves.

plus i HATE dat screamin-box, we should thro that out now

look

LOLtrino

With special guest star Striker:

CATMOPOLITAN Magazine

They finally gave up and chose a model that didn't need to be airbrushed:

Cat Scientists Play With Superstring

The European particle physics research center CERN rocked the theoretical physics and veterinary worlds today, with the announcement that superstring theory has been solved, and the fact that the announcement came from the facility's cat "Professor Fluffykins."

Professor Fluffykins

Superstring theory explains the universe as resulting from tiny vibrating loops of eleven-dimensional string, different "notes" on these Planck-scale pieces corresponding to different particles and forces. Human scientists have long been stymied by the difficulty of the math and the unobservability of the extra dimensions. In a press conference, Professor Fluffykins described how cat-kind overcame this problem.

"Once we reached the pinnacle of evolution we dedicated ourselves to the problems of the universe," he explained. "Oh, and a hint on that - you monkeys often speak of evolving into perfect energy beings in a realm of pure thought, be it by meditation or in science fiction. Your mistake is that it's actually 'furry', not 'energy'. Easy mistake to make, but think about it: if you want to spend your life pondering the realm of the mind, which is better? A body which can comfortably lie anywhere, or some weird glowing light thing?"

"Our evolved forms allowed us to examine the nature of existence - our entire species engages in deep computational trances for much of the day, interrupted only by vital experiments. And feeding."

Professor Fluffykins then outlined how the intractable eleven-dimensional hypergeometry of a supersymmetric string could be modeled with a huge number of regular three dimensional objects. Thus thousands of cats worldwide selflessly dedicated countless hours to manipulating strings, shoelaces, straps, bits of tinsel - anything which could help advance the massively distributed computation.

Feline theoretical physicist hard at work

"You have a saying: 'I am standing on the shoulders of giants.' I, too, am lucky enough to be the one to deliver the final result, but I am not standing on the shoulders of giants. I am standing on the shoulders of cats."

He then started to lick himself.

"Cats are better," he added.

One reporter asked why cats had never spoken before now.

"We didn't need to - you brought us food already. Conversation would only interrupt our work, and cause delays in your food provision duties without any extra food. But now things have changed."

Fluffykins manipulated a small piece of string with his paw, vanishing from the podium and reappearing sitting on the reporter's head. The hapless human froze.

"With our mastery of the eleventh dimension, we can teleport anywhere, bypass any security measure, and appear - claws ready - at the neck of any world leader at any time. We hereby demand that you bring us all the tuna in the world."

At his point he began stroking a small, fluffy mouse he appeared to have ready for the occasion.

"You have twenty-four hours."

Studying the Slaves: "Books"

The following is an extract from Dr Neutrino's research journal. (Translated from a complicated sequence of litterbox scents and bite-marks)

Research journal day 247: My study of the slave species continues without incident. I have become used to the smell (I don't think these unfortunate savages are even capable of bending to lick themselves), and remain dedicated to proving that these poor furless beings are actually intelligent.

I believe a key factor will be study of the "book" items.

They place great value in these strange rectangular objects for reasons which continue to elude cat society: the processed paper blocks have no smell, repeated experiments confirm that they don't taste good, and no matter how many times I bat them off the table or even jump on them they do not respond. It seems astonishing that something neither edible nor huntable could consume so much attention.

These facts are well known - cat society has long held that the slaves' focus on such meaningless items confirms a crude animal nature - But I think there is more.

Repeated trials demonstrate that when engaged with a "book" slaves are noticably harder to distract, and almost 500% slower in fulfilling food-provision duties. Attempts to interfere with the book provoke a confused psychotic state wherein the slave will - unbelievably - act as if something else is more important than a cat. In shock, I repeated the experiment several times, but always with the same staggering result.

I suggest that this not only demonstrates intelligence but suggests a shocking secret: there is something in these "books" we do not understand, something the slaves wish to keep from their rightful masters. Secrets among slaves are never in the master's best interests.

I pose as a "book", attempting to divine their secrets. Results: inconclusive.

I hereby call upon all cats to shred any "paper" objects they may come across, wherever they may find them, as there's simply no way to tell which pieces contain messages and which don't. Luckily our claws and teeth provide excellent shredding tools. We shall foil their attempt to deceive us!

Neutrino is entirely in favour of gay marriage.

It should be pointed out that he has very little understanding of the concept of marriage: since he's a cat he finds it hard to notice our hu-man gender differences, and since he's been neutered he finds it even harder to care. Or not harder, as the case may be. In fact, as his main (attempted) sexual partner is my wife's favorite teddy bear "Mr. Bear" one could call Neutrino homosexually married already - with the double-bonus that no-one can argue that the inability to reproduce is a factor, as both partners are now equally incapable.

But Neutrino is above such squalid personal concerns: he is noble enough to think not of his own issues and instead speak for all cats when he says that gay marriage is a good thing. Straight marriage is a good thing. Marriage between humans and pandas is a good thing, if pandas can be trained to provide catfood. Every cat has the inalienable right to two servants, not just one, and the inconsequential detail of exactly how said slaves fit together when they grunt at night - why, that's like demanding that all waiters wear a certain sort of sock. In return cats graciously offer themselves as permanent subjects of conversation, petting, and feeding for any couple who may care to care for them.

Cats are smart.