Neutrino Fortress!

A man's home may be his castle, but that's because man considers himself vulnerable, mortal, not the center of the universe, and various other problems not shared by cats.


Note the luxuriously bubble-wrapped basement and the faithful (teddy) hound in the courtyard.

So when Neutrino took immediate possession of the new stronghold - a word I didn't even know could be applied to cardboard boxes until that moment - he started projecting an "I'M IN ABSOLUTE COMMAND" vibe so powerful three alien empires suddenly crossed Earth off their "To Conquer" list.


Neutrino is the opposite of impressed (and appears to think his castle is edible)


Lacking claws, medieval defenders had to make do with bows an arrows. Yet another shortcoming unknown to felines.


For anyone, nay, anything else, sticking your face out of the only hole in your defenses might have been a weakness.

Indeed, Castle Neutrino became such an important (and frankly adorable) local landmark he was forced to batten down the hatches and defend himself from giggling paparazzi.



But he weathered the storm - cats are extremely good at enduring adoration and disproportionate amounts of loving attention, those being the closest the brilliantly parasitic geniuses come to any sort of hardship - and went on to be King of All He Surveyed!


He surveys us. But we already know that.

The Neutrino Fly Trap

Here's Neutrino begging for attention:

And here's what I see:

He's the world's first fly trap with a fur coat, and by "fly" I of course mean "Me." Not because I'm egotistical (though I am), or because it's more exciting (though it is), but because I've been targeted for destruction by my own pet. He'll stretch and roll and emit logical impossibilities - yowls laden with the frequencies of crying babies but don't make you want to throw him out an open window (especially on airplanes) - flexing a big fluffy belly and demanding more immediate attention than a burning nuclear reactor.

And when he gets it...

THE BEARTRAP CLOSES!

NEUTRINO STRIKES!

Remember: this is me trying to stroke him in exactly the manner he's been begging for. Any attempt to pet, placate or otherwise pacify (and I don't mean "pacify" in the riot police sense, though if these keeps up I might) the cat results in attempted me-eatery.

Note how he backflips to intercept my fingers when I try to get behind him - I could be fighting Jet Li and not get attacked this much. I've actually evolved puncture-proof skin over the last few months - either that or I've worn his teeth down with my cunning strategy of "polish them with my own flesh."

Which is why I've started looking at these.

Ideal for knights, industrial saw operators, and people trying to stroke Neutrino .

Time To Strike!

Look around you: anyone not going awwwww is secretly A ROBOT AND YOU SHOULD DESTROY THEM!

I would have started this article with words if I could write anything cuter than that picture. Striker's leapt into our lives, onto this page, and very frequently at things he's not meant to touch in the kitchen, so it's time for the Strike Retrospective! Behold, as one cat generates more love in a year and a half than 40% of Americans manage with a marriage.

The first Neutrino detection

Fellow cats see eye-to-eye

The first meeting was extremely embarrassing, for Neutrino, who I want to remind you was five times the size and are-you-kidding times the weight of the Strikitten. Because after this early exchange, Neutrino fled from the least intimidating item since the marshmallow - hiding under tables, tearing across the room, and at one point leaping a three-meter-drop (to get away from a rival which fell over trying to walk to the edge.)

Neutrino hiding on the opposite side of the room, on a shelf, behind a spaceship. Which might be overkill.

The Anger Of The Innocent!

I was the only person who understood, because Striker hated me. He would hiss like an angry spider any time I was near, and when something that is literally The Picture of adorability hates you it leads to awkward questions.

The Picture

You wonder "Is there something horribly wrong with me, that such beautiful innoncence would take offense, or is there sometihng wrong with this bloody kitten?" Luckily I'm me, and when I asked myself my ego replied "Don't worry about it, hero, you're amazing! Excellent! Great! Hell, anything that doesn't like you is just proving that they have a problem!" (Some other parts of my brain said things too but I couldn't hear them.)

Yes, the picture would be cuter if you could see the frankly adorable (at that moment) B feeding Striker. But I haven't asked if I'm allowed to do that yet, so you'll just have to make do with the second cutest picture ever.

The Move

Unfortunately B's entire family became allergic to Striker (as opposed to just the poor father, whose allergy they simply ignored to get the cute kitty), and we took over. Since then they've become a real couple (the great thing about being neutered is you no longer car about two males living together - maybe we should try that on the Proposition 8 supporters!)

Rrarrr, why do you have to get up so early! Come back to bed!

Striker unpacks the new Neutrino he ordered after breaking the first one.

The even found their own place together...

You only wish human apartments had a bubble-wrap room.

...started signalling passing aircraft to drop any catfood supplies they might have...

...and even posed for the cover of their upcoming indie music album.