Thursday, October 29, 2009

CATMOPOLITAN Magazine

They finally gave up and chose a model that didn't need to be airbrushed:


Cat Scientists Play With Superstring

The European particle physics research center CERN rocked the theoretical physics and veterinary worlds today, with the announcement that superstring theory has been solved, and the fact that the announcement came from the facility's cat "Professor Fluffykins."


Professor Fluffykins

Superstring theory explains the universe as resulting from tiny vibrating loops of eleven-dimensional string, different "notes" on these Planck-scale pieces corresponding to different particles and forces. Human scientists have long been stymied by the difficulty of the math and the unobservability of the extra dimensions. In a press conference, Professor Fluffykins described how cat-kind overcame this problem.

"Once we reached the pinnacle of evolution we dedicated ourselves to the problems of the universe," he explained. "Oh, and a hint on that - you monkeys often speak of evolving into perfect energy beings in a realm of pure thought, be it by meditation or in science fiction. Your mistake is that it's actually 'furry', not 'energy'. Easy mistake to make, but think about it: if you want to spend your life pondering the realm of the mind, which is better? A body which can comfortably lie anywhere, or some weird glowing light thing?"

"Our evolved forms allowed us to examine the nature of existence - our entire species engages in deep computational trances for much of the day, interrupted only by vital experiments. And feeding."

Professor Fluffykins then outlined how the intractable eleven-dimensional hypergeometry of a supersymmetric string could be modeled with a huge number of regular three dimensional objects. Thus thousands of cats worldwide selflessly dedicated countless hours to manipulating strings, shoelaces, straps, bits of tinsel - anything which could help advance the massively distributed computation.


Feline theoretical physicist hard at work

"You have a saying: 'I am standing on the shoulders of giants.' I, too, am lucky enough to be the one to deliver the final result, but I am not standing on the shoulders of giants. I am standing on the shoulders of cats."

He then started to lick himself.

"Cats are better," he added.

One reporter asked why cats had never spoken before now.

"We didn't need to - you brought us food already. Conversation would only interrupt our work, and cause delays in your food provision duties without any extra food. But now things have changed."

Fluffykins manipulated a small piece of string with his paw, vanishing from the podium and reappearing sitting on the reporter's head. The hapless human froze.

"With our mastery of the eleventh dimension, we can teleport anywhere, bypass any security measure, and appear - claws ready - at the neck of any world leader at any time. We hereby demand that you bring us all the tuna in the world."

At his point he began stroking a small, fluffy mouse he appeared to have ready for the occasion.

"You have twenty-four hours."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Studying the Slaves: "Books"

The following is an extract from Dr Neutrino's research journal. (Translated from a complicated sequence of litterbox scents and bite-marks)

Research journal day 247: My study of the slave species continues without incident. I have become used to the smell (I don't think these unfortunate savages are even capable of bending to lick themselves), and remain dedicated to proving that these poor furless beings are actually intelligent.

I believe a key factor will be study of the "book" items.


They place great value in these strange rectangular objects for reasons which continue to elude cat society: the processed paper blocks have no smell, repeated experiments confirm that they don't taste good, and no matter how many times I bat them off the table or even jump on them they do not respond. It seems astonishing that something neither edible nor huntable could consume so much attention.

These facts are well known - cat society has long held that the slaves' focus on such meaningless items confirms a crude animal nature - But I think there is more.

Repeated trials demonstrate that when engaged with a "book" slaves are noticably harder to distract, and almost 500% slower in fulfilling food-provision duties. Attempts to interfere with the book provoke a confused psychotic state wherein the slave will - unbelievably - act as if something else is more important than a cat. In shock, I repeated the experiment several times, but always with the same staggering result.

I suggest that this not only demonstrates intelligence but suggests a shocking secret: there is something in these "books" we do not understand, something the slaves wish to keep from their rightful masters. Secrets among slaves are never in the master's best interests.

I pose as a "book", attempting to divine their secrets. Results: inconclusive.

I hereby call upon all cats to shred any "paper" objects they may come across, wherever they may find them, as there's simply no way to tell which pieces contain messages and which don't. Luckily our claws and teeth provide excellent shredding tools. We shall foil their attempt to deceive us!


Monday, October 26, 2009


Neutrino is entirely in favour of gay marriage.

It should be pointed out that he has very little understanding of the concept of marriage: since he's a cat he finds it hard to notice our hu-man gender differences, and since he's been neutered he finds it even harder to care. Or not harder, as the case may be. In fact, as his main (attempted) sexual partner is my wife's favorite teddy bear "Mr. Bear" one could call Neutrino homosexually married already - with the double-bonus that no-one can argue that the inability to reproduce is a factor, as both partners are now equally incapable.

But Neutrino is above such squalid personal concerns: he is noble enough to think not of his own issues and instead speak for all cats when he says that gay marriage is a good thing. Straight marriage is a good thing. Marriage between humans and pandas is a good thing, if pandas can be trained to provide catfood. Every cat has the inalienable right to two servants, not just one, and the inconsequential detail of exactly how said slaves fit together when they grunt at night - why, that's like demanding that all waiters wear a certain sort of sock. In return cats graciously offer themselves as permanent subjects of conversation, petting, and feeding for any couple who may care to care for them.

Cats are smart.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

DIY Neutrino!

It's been pointed out that Neutrino is, indeed, the cutest cat. Even by people who aren't us. Viewers around the world tell my wife that our cat is best. Friends who got kittens found themselves calling their own kittens Neutrino, even when those kittens were the center of their entire universe and had an eight-month-younger "Still a kitten" adorability advantage. One couple we met in the street while walking Neutrino confessed that our cat was better than theirs, and any cat-owning couple will tell you that's on par with donating two kidneys. Each.




So in order to make the world a better place, here's how to build a Neutrino of your very own!


A - Dog's head: This might seem an odd place to start when building a cat, but trust us, for the truly psychotic-looking "panting with his mouth open" and "running around like a lunatic" elements you'll be much better off with the dog. Especially the panting thing: unlike a cat's "narrow with fangs" red-slash-in-furry-face, a dog's mouth doesn't look like a miniature insane vampire who's just run up ten flights of stairs to sink his teeth into your throat*.

*Warning: if you actually own a cat you'll start finding this cute anyway. This is normal. A cat owner considers it cute when their pet randomly stabs guests, another fact we can confirm because of Neutrino.

B - Tiger skin: May be tricky to get hold of but essential for the endlessly fascinating pattern. You may think "Why bother building a Neutrino when I have access to a Tiger?" You will later think "Oh, so THIS is what it's like to be viciously eaten!" Neutrino owners, on the other hand, are eaten slowly enough to regenerate and can lead otherwise healthy lives.

C - White shirt collar: Essential to add dignity and class, qualities often lacking in dog-tiger-hybrid abominations.

D - Slinky Spring Spine: Enables the Neutrino to extend from standard length (two feet) to "Look at me rub me feed me submit your wills to me and my cuteness" super-long length (approximately four miles).

E - Chainsaw: Should be a fairly large petrol-powered model to achieve Neutrino's purring volume and destructive ability.

F - Leopard skin: After the tiger skin this one is easy.

G - Wolverine claws: The only being known to slash things nearly as often as Neutrino. (Error in photo: Wolverine should change his costume to include little white gloves, so my wife can go "Awwww isn't he so cuuuuute" even as he's ripping the veins out of my arms.)

H - Kangaroo legs: Important addition! If you forget the powerful hind legs of Australia's most famous marsupial, you might accidentally leave vital or breakable items out of Neutrino's reach!

I - Tail replacement: It's difficult to render "powerful communications device which could really be saying anything, but saying it powerfully!" in visual form. Possible replacements include "a drunken Sean Connery reading Rongorongo", "An enigma coding machine connected to a megaphone", or even "random dots and dashes blown through a hollowed unicorn horn", but even if you could afford any of those you can't have the one perfect example. Because Neutrino's using it.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Spot The Cat!

For better of worse this is what my work environment looks like. You can probably infer far more about me than is healthy from the photo, but can you spot the essential cat?