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The Church of Microwave

Like most cat owners we’re very impressed with our pets, but unlike all the others it’s because ours really do impressive things (though saying that brings us right back to "like most cat owners.") Neutrino and Striker have already replicated most of the better parts of human society including mutual co-operation, luxury, and licking each other for fun (a lot of fun.) They even beat each other up when they’re bored in a 1000% more huggable version of UFC.

What we didn’t expect was the creation of a religion.

Have you heard the Word of the Microwave? (The word is "DING!")

The Church of Microwave has great advantages over most religions.

1. Microwaves provably exist, a fantastic head start over 100% of all known religions.
2. Microwaves instantly and measurably benefit their followers. 2-0 to the electro-radiative deity, and that description alone makes it a hat-trick over “Imaginary skybeard.”
3. Even Thor and Zeus could only throw electricity in a destructive manner. They didn't so much "feed their flocks" as "detonate other flocks and leave their followers to pick through the charred flesh for themselves."
4. Microwaves don't char any flesh unless you want them to
5. Feed the hungry, heal the sick (if you count preventing food poisoning), etc etc other religious claims except this technology actually achieves them

Pope Neutrino on the world's first Electro-Pulpit. I dare you to tell me he's not better than the other one.

Just as island peoples recreated runways and control towers in the hope of attracting visitors from the sky, the cats cluster around the microwave and start to sing to bring the holy hot food. And not to make us shaved monkeys sound stupid, but it's only the cat-version that works. Double bonus: hot food has never once brought STDs to a nation!

Neutrino beholding his lord from a jungle of appliances

The hymns consist mainly of pressing yourself as close to the god as possible – this is an approach used by a lot of cults, especially those cults run by creepy men and composed mainly of younger ladies. Yowling hymns are entirely optional but nevertheless performed 100% of the time. This yowling leads to observable results as the microwave starts buzzing, before beeping to signal that the prayer has been answered. The fact that most gods acknowledge their followers less than the average alarm clock is a matter for the theologians.

Bishop Striker addresses a rapt congregation.

This is the best bit of Microwavism, the world's first pro-active faith. Most religions demand total, subservient and counter-productive patience as the adherents do absolutely nothing but wait for something that might never happen. You might recognize this as “Exactly how NOT to make something happen.” Microwavists reject this approach! During the “cooling” phase of the ceremony, they run and meow and rub against people and do everything they can to accelerate something they know for a guaranteed fact will happen anyway.

This is the exact opposite of religion, otherwise known as progress. The cats have discovered entirely new syllables during their hymns, nay, arias to the God of Radiation Bombardment (a far more impressive deity “The Angel of Praise” or “The God of Farming.”) I’d fully expect them to invent an entire language if I left the food cooling for an hour, except they’re smart enough to work out how to work out the Microwave first – and if they do that there’ll be a religious schism and I’ll find myself on the wrong end of a holy war, blasphemy, and very pointy cats’ teeth.

Awaiting the Word of Microwave

The 3 Cutest Cat Pranks In History

As a cat-owner I naturally believe there are two types of feline:

1. My cats
2. Less cute cats

This is entirely natural, and more importantly true, but I have found some spectacularly cute pranks played on other cats. Those other cats are less cute overall, you see, so their owners don't mind playing very slightly cruel tricks on them.

There's nothing like awwwing out over cats and getting paid for it, except spending that pay on cat food. I still can't tell if I'm winning life or a slave to the secret masters of the world, and honestly? Don't care.

Read The 3 Cutest Cat Pranks right now!